Psycho-dogs and Orwellian Phone Apps

You know how professional athletes show up with mysterious injuries like broken hands or sprained ankles and they explain it away by claiming they tripped over the dog? Nobody believes them; they assume they were involved in a bar fight or a domestic altercation or some other alcohol induced horseplay. Well, I believe them! If you own a neurotic psycho rescue shelter dog, it will kill you, sooner or later. He will cut you off at the knees on the stairs, or shred your thigh muscles, or attack someone you love.

My dog's name is Forrest Gump. He is faster than hell and dumber than a box of rocks. I asked him why he found it necessary to complicate my life with the threat of major medical payment responsibility. "There are several reasons," he said. And, surprisingly, he was advanced enough to list them in bullet points:

• I will never eat again.
• You will walk out the door and never come back.
• Anyone at the door is suspect; they are here to kill everyone and set fire to the house destroying everything but me - I will be unlucky enough to live and be sent back to the shelter.

"Does that explain the weird kangaroo hop you do whenever I put my coat on?"
"Yes. You move, I move."

"Then... one thing you should know. The delivery man at the front door with the Italian beef sandwich is your friend. I repeat, the man with the Italian beef sandwich is your friend. Also, that girl, I'm sure you remember her, is my daughter."

If you do not hear from me in the near future, alert the EMT's that I am at the bottom of the stairs.

Hey! I teach high school English. Right now we are reading Brave New World and studying dystopian societies. I told my students to compile what I call a "Paranoid Folder," a collection of current articles from magazines, websites, etc.... that reflect ....WAIT A MINUTE: NEWS FLASH...

FORREST ALMOST THREW ME OFF THE SECOND STORY BALCONY OF MY TOWNHOUSE....HE WAS DEFENDING ME FROM THE TWO MINI-POODLES NEXT DOOR... APPARENTLY BONNIE AND CLYDE WERE PREPARING A HOSTILE TAKEOVER WHEREBY THEY WOULD ASSUME FAVORITE DOG STATUS IN MY HOUSEHOLD.

...current trends in government and social activity that reflect what we have learned in this particular unit. I told them that there was an iPhone app called the Patriot App they could download that would allow them to snitch on their neighbor with respect to "national security" or "suspicious behavior."

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/General+News/78251/iPhone-Snitch-network-Launched.html

They didn't believe me. I showed them the App on the web and told them they could download it if they wanted. They did. "I didn't believe you," they said, " but here it is." They complained that the app cost $1.00, so I gave them a dollar and told them to download it.

The very first thing I heard after that was, "Guess who the first person is I'm turning in?"
Right now there's an unmarked car in front of my house with two dudes wearing fedoras.

FOOTNOTE TO LAST POST:
In the last post I actually used the phrase," for crying out loud." What in tarnation is wrong with me?